Life is Extraordinary

How to get through the 1st night of a devastating break up:

2012-01-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

1. DO NOT SLEEP ALONE. Crash on the couch of a dear friend. If you're me, cuddle up in bed with a girlfriend. Being alone will cause way more emotional stress than your body can handle. You need distraction. You need laughter. You need company.

2. CRY. Overflow it, dude. Just lose your shit weeping. Cry until your head hurts, then take some Aleve and breathe for a little bit.

3. REMEMBER TO EAT. If you can find your comfort/hang over food, engorge yourself. You won't feel like eating but trying to keep something in your stomach will help keep up the strength you'll lose from all the crying.

4. CALL A FRIEND. Preferably a good listener who is also good at keeping his/her mouth shut. You don't need input right now, you just need company.

2012

2012-01-07T18:45:00.000-08:00

Goals:

1. Graduate College.

2. Stop biting my fingernails.

3. Have Courage.

I am a wimp. I do not stand up to anyone, do not stand up for myself, I have zero confidence in my abilities. I don't know when this happened, I think it was around the time I was supposed to go back to college for my sophomore but didn't, but FEAR has paralyzed me over the last few years. It's hard to even convince myself to get out of bed in the morning cause I'm sure I will fail at any task presented to me. Since I have lived in this puny state for so long I'm starting to notice how others just choose to overpower me because they know they can. I'm tired of it. Not happening anymore. It's not that I'm suddenly going to be a jerk to everyone, it's just that it's time for me to be happy-no longer a door mat.

A year ago today...

2011-12-07T19:03:00.000-08:00

1. It was dead week and I was losing my mind in work.

2. I had the most viscous case of strep throat.

3. My hair was much much shorter than it is now.

4. I was single.

5. I was driving a cute red Mazda Miata due to the fact I had wrecked my car in October and my community group leaders were worried about my warmth. They lent me their car for a few months, paid the car insurance and sent me away in it with a full tank of gas, an extra $100 for future gas needs, and a box of brownies. If you want a lesson in generosity let me introduce you to Steve and Lee Brooks. They're incredible.

6. It was just as freezing as it is now.

Here's me about a year ago...

Timeline- Martin and Molly

2011-11-08T20:31:00.001-08:00

17 years old.

18 years old

19 years old

No pictures from our 20th year.

21 years old

Pickle, pickle, pickle smell, pickle train conducting

2011-11-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

I thought I would put up some pictures of my cute little room.

I live about 5 blocks away from school which is pretty great.

The house I live in is called Jensen House. It's very old and pretty but has a certain lack of cleanliness that I find unnerving. Basically it is a boarding house. There are several rooms, all are numbered, I didn't know any one when I moved in and all attempts to be friendly with those I bump into in the kitchen are failing miserably. BUT my room is cute and the price is right. Here are some pictures: (Blogger is being a pill so here's the list before the pictures instead of with them)

1. My big closet

2. One side of the room, my dresser.

3. My bed and my little bed side table.

4. My Mini closet, a wall separates my room in two and the little closet is at the end.

5. This is my desk area and bookshelf. Currently I am using my broken laptop for everything because the wireless mouse for my computer has called it quits.

BaAaAaAaAaBYYYY

2011-11-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

Hello!! Happy November!!!
So remember how I said I would do a 30 day challenge in October, take a picture every day and then post it on here and write about it?
I got to maybe October 12th before I just stopped taking pictures.
SO we're trying again this month.
As well as that I am making sure I eat three times a day. I don't take care of myself while I'm at school but that HAS TO stop.

Here is the picture:

I'm in my new room at my little house in Parkland. As you can see in the mirror I was watching Gilmore Girls.

Boy. I look like a Swanson.

Today I ate:

Breakfast: Steel Cut Oats with brown sugar and blueberries.

Lunch: Pasta with butter and salt, a Pear

Dinner: Rice with butter, salt, and pepper, and a cup of coffee (I have to work 10pm to 12am. Gotta stay awake)

The title of this post refers to a part of a song that my friend Anais and I wrote. We performed at school at an open mic and it was great!!! We were nervous but it went well. That was the first time I performed a song I had written. I tried uploading the video we took but blogger wasn't having it.

Oh well.

Until tomorrow!!! Goodnight!!

-Molly Polly

Things I've taken for granted:

2011-10-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

1. Washing machines and dryers.
2. Clean clothes.
3. Electricity.
4. MONEY.
5. Showering.
6. Vegetables, fruits, and meat.
7. Being warm.

Try something new for 30 days!

2011-10-02T00:27:00.000-07:00

If you haven't heard of TED talks, google it right now.

TED talks are mini lectures 5 to 20 minutes long on a variety of subjects. Some are very scientific, others are simply meant to make you laugh but they are all meant to inspire. I can't recommend them enough.

One of my favorites is a 5 minute challenge by a guy named Matt to do something different for 30 days. He found that small changes were more sustainable than huge life altering decisions. He discovered the days of each month were more memorable because he made an effort to do something out of the norm. So, I'm trying it.

For the next 30 days, I'm going to take a picture everyday, post it here and tell you about why I took that picture. Ready!? Go!!!!

Ok so.......

P.S. Because I'm writing this blog on my phone (oh!!!!ah!!!!), I'll have to post the picture tomorrow. :)

Maybe it's a poem, I'm not sure.

2011-09-30T23:06:00.001-07:00

I WANT TO BE A BIRD.

Nothing to ruffle my feathers but the wind that lifts me.

I am pathetic and weak.

The tiny over-worked fingers of a child made my cell phone.

I WANT TO BE A BIRD.

Nothing to worry me but the next opportunity to take flight.

I am selfish and closed-minded.

The blistered feet of invisible children stamp out my complaining.

I WANT TO BE A BIRD.

Nothing but my own kind to keep me company.

I am wrong and foolish.

The air in my lungs, the sight in my eyes, the words in my ears...

................................................I WANT TO BE A BIRD.

"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia."- E.L. Doctorow

2011-08-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

1. I like, my cousin, have forgotten how to blog.

2. I am extremely busy for the rest of August, only a few evenings off before it's time to move back to school.

3. Sitting for 12 hours a day + two or three poor mans' mocha's a day = fat parts.

4. My beautiful sister, Kat, is getting married on Saturday and I'm extremely excited.

5. "Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very", your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." -Mark Twain.

A Day In Pictures

2011-07-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

8:00am-It's Friday, Friday!!!

9:00am- From me to him.

10:00am- Poor man's mocha (hot chocolate mix and coffee).

11:00am- working on a 16 page spreadsheet. Please take note of my fat roll.

12:00pm- Curlers in my hair, looking out at the rain that should not be happening in the middle of July!

1:00pm- From him to me. He finally woke up.

2:00pm- Mid-afternoon jolt.

3:00pm- 16 page document. First draft on right, second on left.

4:00pm- Afternoon Mail

5:00pm- Finally home, you can't see it but I'm not wearing pants!!!

6:00pm-Rice Crispies and Beer, the dinner of champions.

Night Time

2011-07-12T20:20:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite night time outfits. Tie dyed long johns and my Marines sweatshirt. I am not an armed forces/war kinda gal. Not at all. But I do love this sweatshirt.

Gilmore Girls is my favorite TV show. I have every season on DVD. This is Season Three I'm making my way through the whole series for the 9 billionth time. Also, I'm enjoying a Fat Tire. Who would have guessed I'm a beer girl? :)

Update

2011-07-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to change the format of how I blog for a long time. My darling Martin is a very private man and he has always *lovingly* teased me for posting personal things on the Internet where anyone and everyone can see them. You have to admit, he has a point. Although I don't really think about it, I feel very weirded out when someone says they read my blog. OR there's the issue of writing something deeply important and NO ONE READS IT. You just keep anxiously checking to see if there's a comment!!! Since the majority of my readers are family members who also have their own blogs, it is almost a requirement that I keep up with and comment their musings. When my dear Nana started a blog (My NANA blogs. :) She's the coolest) she discussed how sad it can be to pour your heart out and still see that 0 comments link flashing at the bottom of the post. Because of this, we have started a trend. When we read each others blogs but have nothing particular to say in relation to it's content, we leave the word, 'footprints' in their comment box. This way, everyone knows they are being heard.

I got distracted. My apologies.

I have recently fallen in love with this blog. The author is adorable, her kids are adorable, her clothes are adorable... I'm just an all around fan.

The thing that sets one blog apart from another is pictures. I almost never post pictures. Wouldn't you rather look at pictures than read a long winded description of something? I know, me too.

ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL that being said, I'm hoping to make some changes and make this thing a bit more interesting.

Love you all. Happy Tuesday.

My best friend knows me far too well....

2011-07-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

For years, I've been determined to learn to play an instrument and I'm pretty sure Sara has heard me say it a thousand times. It still has not happened and probably never will. While listening to a Sondre Lerche song I had the thought, "I should learn to play the piano." Immediately, a memory popped into my head.... this one moment, three years ago, I was talking to Sara....

Molly: "I've decided something..."

[before I can continue the rest of the thought]
Sara: "You're going to learn to play the piano...."

Molly:"......shut up..."

I love my best friend. :)

Julia Rutherford

2011-07-06T09:52:00.001-07:00

I recently found out that a fellow PLU student, Julia Rutherford, died this past Sunday.
She was hiking with her boyfriend and some friends when she lost her footing, slipped and fell into a crevasse and then into an icy waterfall. She died of hypothermia.

I didn't know Julia. I had met her in passing many many times but we never had a long conversation or spent any time together. I have one memory of her laughing at a joke I made once... I can't remember the setting but it was only a brief second with her before time continued on and we went about our lives. I remember she seemed pleasant and funny and smart. She was 21, a junior just like me. It scares me and deeply saddens me that she is gone. My deepest condolences to those who had the great honor and pleasure of knowing her fully. I pray she is at peace.

News Release.

I don't mean to brag but....

2011-06-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

This guy has a crush on me! ;) I kinda like him, too...

(3:51 to the end is my favorite part. Can anyone guess why?)

I cry....

2011-06-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

...when I hold newborn babies for the first time...

...when Forest asks Ginny if his son is dumb....

...when I hear the song Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen...

...when singing the words, "Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side.."

...[sometimes] when I talk about my Uncle Dale...

...when my father prays over me...

...when Martin tells me he loves to hear me sing...

...[sometimes] when the instrumentation of a song includes a banjo or a mandolin...

...when there is an over-load of estrogen in my system...

Fairytale- Sara Bareilles

2011-06-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore
And she forgets why she came here

Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood
For shame she says
None for you dear prince, I'm tired today
I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming

[Chorus:]
'cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried about the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause
What else can you do with seven itty-bitty men?
Sends them to bed and calls up a friend
Says will you meet me at midnight?

The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says
Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair
I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows

[Chorus]
'cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried about the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom
Man made up a story said that I should believe him
Go and tell your white knight that he's handsome in hindsight
But I don't want the next best thing
So I sing and hold my head down and I break these walls round me
Can't take no more of your fairytale love

[Chorus]
'cause I don't care for your fairytales
You're so worried about the maiden though you know
She's only waiting on the next best thing

I don't care, I don't care
Worry bout the maiden though you know
She's only waiting spent the whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience and a dumb
Appreciation
But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending
Cause I don't want the next best thing
No no I don't want the next best thing

.........????

2011-06-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

What are you trying to doing?
and what are you trying to prove?
That tongue of yours... lethal dynamite.
It would be better to split it in two,
just like that forked-tongue symbol of evil.

He wins and flaunts his victory by showing you how foolish you were.
Believe him? Oh, I easily will...
even though the language is foreign to me
and the words are not my own.

Neuron pathways are dangerous bridges:
each synapse builds a stronger lie,
each shock of thought becomes ingrained in you
until the lie is a tangible part of your physical body.

You know that whir of constant thought?
How when you wish to turn off the sound, it seems to get louder?
That's when our double tongue friend makes his way to the far corners
He takes up his mending, silently working away at the web of deception he will soon sew into your brain.
And you can't even see him.

What am I saying?

Believe me, I wish I knew....

I should have been a musical theater major.

2011-06-08T09:19:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-J5qG2lZWI

Enjoy that morsel of goodness.

OK, I just have to take a moment...

2011-05-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

Here we are at Dead Week, the week of school before Finals.
This is the time all the major papers and projects are due.
I have several of those things due. My paper for my stats class is due tomorrow. I'm working on in it and do have several pages but my anxiety about it is reaching ridiculous proportions.

My anxiety PERIOD is reaching ridiculous proportions.
Last night, I didn't feel well and my anxiety over that caused my heart to race for hours. I felt as those my veins were on fire.

I am still in that stage, my heart beating wildly... I don't know what it is really. My sleep patterns have been terrible the last few days... Last night I took cough medicine that is only supposed to be taken when you need to stay up throughout the day so, of course, I stayed up.... throughout the night... and am now a zombie.

I just want to be done, you know? I'm so close and the finish line is in sight but I'm exhausted and I have a cold that just gained full strength. The throbbing head ache showed up maybe an hour ago and I desperately want to lie down.

I can't, though. I've got to get this paper done. I promised Martin I would be asleep by 11pm this evening and I won't let him down (hopefully). SO. PRESS ON.

A College How To

2011-04-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

How To Make Coffee Without A Coffee Maker.

Step 1: Fill up your electric tea-pot with water.

Step 2: Turn the tea pot on.

Step 3: Find a mug shaped like a penguin wearing a scarf and a Santa hat.

Step 4: Cut a napkin in half.

Step 5: Place the half napkin inside a tea leaf strainer.

Step 6: Place the tea leaf strainer/half napkin in the penguin mug.

Step 7: Scoop 1 and 1/2 tablespoons of coffee grounds into the napkin-lined tea leaf strainer.

Step 8: Pour boiling hot water over the coffee grounds. You will have to repeat this step several times as the tea strainer doesn't strain quickly.

Step 9: Take the tea leaf strainer off the penguin mug.

Step 10: Marvel at your greatness.

Leslie

2011-04-09T14:40:00.001-07:00

One thing my father has taught me is to buy old beat up cars and drive them until they completely break down. This is brilliant. I do not have a car payment and probably never will. While a newer car is nice, if it runs and doesn't smell like mold, what more could you need! A perfect demonstration of this ideology is the life and times of Leslie, the Swanson Family Van.

I remember my parents driving this van up from Oregon when I was 10 years old. It was a 'new' car, which just meant it was new to us. It has developed it's own set of quirks over the years.

The sliding door: if you lock it, you have to KICK the lock back open. This means leaning back on the first bench seat in the back, bracing yourself with one hand on the passengers seat and the other on the top of the bench seat. Using your momma bear hulk rage, ninja kick the unlock side of the door's lock. This will most likely get the door open.
The locks: DO NOT LOCK THE CAR. EVER. The key will not unlock the doors.
Gas gauge: Broken. In fact, when the tank is completely full, the needle points below the E while for the opposite, completely empty, the needle points above the F. Just wait for the Low Fuel light to pop on and then you know you've got maybe one day left of 30mph driving before your screwed.
Passenger side window: Broken. Can't roll it up or down. As a result of this, the window is eternally open about half an inch. If it's raining, DEAL.
Driver's side window: Can be rolled down but you must use all your strength to roll it back up. I recommend using your foot and your momma bear hulk rage. Also, be prepared to cuss a lot and potentially lose your salvation in frustration.
The interior:

The color.... ishkabibble. The ceiling interior is falling down. My father has tried four thousand different things to keep it up there. It hangs down at just the perfect place to lightly brush the top of my head, scaring me into thinking spiders are all up in my hair. AH! No matter how many times I reached my hand up to brush my hair and felt that fabric, I always felt a pang of fear when it touched my head.

Each person in the family has driven Leslie with the exclusion of Nathan. My parents [several years], Emma [2 tours], Molly [2 tours], and Katie [1 tour]. I am honored to be the one who drove the car into the depths of Hades. After 11 years, the transmission is gone, the tailpipe is falling off, and it is over-heating every four seconds.

One time, we drove Leslie to Elma to see my grandparents. It was a family reunion so everyone was over. I sat in the back bench seat, looking out the window all the way there. We arrived and I pressed the button to release myself from the seat belt... and nothing happened. I was trapped in the back seat while the rest of the family began greeting each other. It took twenty minutes, a pair of scissors and several 'monkey at the zoo' jokes before I was released and joyously welcomed back into the family.

Today, Leslie was crushed into a metal cube, never to be driven again. She has finally come to the end of the road [joke] and it was kind of sad watching the tow truck pull her away yesterday. Thank you, Leslie, for providing transportation, joke material, and above all, a place to make out for several years. May you rest in pieces! [super lame joke]

Nathan William Swanson

2011-03-31T19:41:00.000-07:00

This is my little brother.

This picture is from the day before our sister Emma's wedding on the drive to Kirkland almost two years ago. Nate, who I call Bubba, always shares his headphones with me when I forget music on a long drive. We take turns 'dedicating' songs to each other and listening to Christian punk songs from our Youth Group years.

I really love my brother. Nathan was quiet growing up (I blame that on Emma and I. We liked to talk for him.) so when he suddenly began joking around, it was the most hilarious thing. He makes me laugh harder than most people because he always links whatever I'm doing back to how I'm exactly like our dad, or a family joke, or he makes fun of Emma (WE LOVE YOU. COOL IT, BOOBS)... I really just love him. He's extremely giving. Nathan never turns down the opportunity to help someone. EVER. He doesn't even see it as him being helpful... it's just like a thing he's supposed to do. He just shrugs his shoulders and does it as if it's no big deal! That is an amazing character trait for a 19-year-old.

Our parents are in Italy for their 25th wedding anniversary. They left last Saturday and are returning a week from tomorrow so Nate has been home alone for awhile. Since I only work in the mornings on Thursdays, Nate came up to Parkland to hang out with me. We did what we usually do: made pizza, watched music videos of punk songs from our Youth Group years, and watched a movie that I screamed through while he laughed at me (zombie movie... nuff said). Then he left. Then I started crying. I don't totally know why. I really love my brother and I do honestly miss being away from my family. It was a major let down to see him leave.

There isn't much of a point to this... just that my brother is awesome and I love him. :)

Well Hello

2011-03-30T11:41:00.001-07:00

It certainly has been awhile.

Varying things have kept me from blogging. Mostly it was a lack of time. But if I'm being honest, the main factor was that writing is terrifying.

You cannot write without discovering the truth about your thoughts, heart, and motives.
That's why writing is so cathartic and why it's so easy to rant on these things. Writing- taking your thoughts out of your head- forces you to see, organize, and, the scariest of all, justify what you think.

That is where my problem starts.
I love to organize. Our God is a god of order and as his children, we are designed to enjoy bringing order out of chaos. But truth... Truth is terrifying. Whatever thought process it may be, I am most likely wrong and I don't enjoy that feeling. In my haste, my busyness, I have overlooked repentance. Satan has wrapped me up in me and as a result, I have run into a place of spiritual apathy. With this revelation comes honesty. It is terrifying and uncomfortable but it is also good for the kidneys. :) I encourage you, make the decision today to RUN after Jesus. Thwart your thoughts: they are most likely evil. Dig around in your heart and find what does not line up with scripture. Who cares if you feel like it or not. It is not a feeling, it is a choice and it is the most crucial one you can make from day to day.

It's lovely to see your sunshiny faces again. Kisses and hugs,

Molly Alyssum

I'm 21

2011-01-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. Not much went down.

I had two beers, sitting on the kitchen counter, joking around with two of my roommates.

Perfect.

Let this punch you in the face- it did to me.

2010-12-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 3:16-26

The LORD said: Because the daughters of Zion are haughty and walk with outstretched necks, glancing wantonly with their eyes, mincing along as they go, tinkling with their feet, therefore the Lord will strike with a scab the heads of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will lay bare their secret parts.

In that day the Lord will take away the finery of the anklets, the headbands, and the crescents; the pendants, the bracelets, and the scarves; the headdresses, the armlets, the sashes, the perfume boxes, and the amulets; the signet rings and nose rings; the festal robes, the mantles, the cloaks, and the handbags; the mirrors, the linen garments, the turbans, and the veils.

Instead of perfume there will be rottenness;
and instead of a belt, a rope;
and instead of well-set hair, baldness;
and instead of a rich robe, a skirt of sackcloth;
and branding instead of beauty.

Your men shall fall by the sword
and your mighty men in battle.
And her gates shall lament and mourn;
empty, she shall sit on the ground.

A silly Saturday poem.

2010-12-04T17:58:00.000-08:00

It has been a day where all of things you wanted to go right go wrong

It isn't real nice to think of it twice and sing your oh so sad song.

My throat is all gross, it hurts to eat toast and study for all of my tests.

If these next days don't kill me, my final grades will be B's & C's at best.

The server was down, when I came around at 1:30pm today

I've been learning since then, I can't recall when I stopped to say "Hurray!"

Things are working now, but I don't see how I will finish all I have to do

If you could pray, maybe some day, I could pray for you.

:) The End.

a quick update

2010-12-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

1. I find it hilarious that these last few days, where I have been more busy than ever, I've found the inspiration to blog. Interesting.

2. I am so cute today I might hit on myself. I have a presentation... which means a cute dress, a cute sweater, fabulous heels, and glitzy jewelry. Aw yeah girl.

3. In the last 72 hours I have consumed 3 20ounce bottles of Pepsi and am currently working on another one.

4. I can NEVER sit still anymore. I am always tapping my foot. I think it's partially the caffeine and the sugar but also my generally nervous existance. This is my psychological brain emerging: People who don't twitch have self-confidence, understand their value and are safe to sit still while the rest of us panic about being called on, having to speak up in class, or are worried the professor knows we didn't do all of the reading.

5. I now live at the library. It smells here. Oh the joy.

6. There sure are a lot of cute boys at PLU. Too bad none of them want to love me.... sucks for them (seriously, I love my outfit today.).

7. Pray for me. It's the weekend but that means I have to turn up the intensity and get stuff done.

Woah. Epiphany.

2010-12-02T00:54:00.000-08:00

The Lord is REALLY opening my eyes to the inner workings of my brain these days.

Again, you will notice it is around the 1 o'clock hour. I finished my Wednesday night work shift an hour ago, came home to fold laundry and eat Top Ramen while determined to work on homework even if I was exhausted.

You see, I've been up since 6:30am. That's 17 and 1/2 hours. I've been going non-stop since then and I'm feeling the affects of the day. After maybe three minutes of homework I realized I would not be productive, I was too exhausted. So I planned to eat my Top Ramen, read my bible, read a chapter in Captivating and go to sleep. As I sat eating my Top Ramen, I felt guilty for sleeping. I felt guilty for contemplating reading my bible before going to sleep instead of reading biology, I felt guilty for wanting to read a chapter in my Captivating book...

I felt guilty for resting.

I thought, "That's weird, not healthy, and wrong. Go deeper, figure that one out."

So I thought about it:

There is a difference between productivity and frantic busyness. I cannot be truly productive right now because I am tired and my body wants to refresh itself after the busy day I had. Rest is from the Lord. There is a difference between rest and laziness. I should not feel guilty because my body is designed to sleep. What is SO important that I must deprive myself of healthy rest?

And then it hit me. Woah. Epiphany.

School, specifically homework, has become an idol.

As Pastor Mark often says, an idol is usually a good thing that you've made into a God thing. An idol is what you spend the most amount of time on, invest in, look to for validation, worship with your time, talent, and money, and fight for even when you know it will not satisfy.

THAT explains the guilt. Guilt is not from the Lord, conviction is. Guilt is from Satan. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy me because he hates me. He wants me to run myself thin, become scary dehydrated again, miss school and then feel so guilty for failing my professors by not showing up to class or not getting a 4.0 (My mindset has always been, if a 4.0 is attainable, I must be able to reach it. If I can't, I have failed. This is, of course, crazy but I'm not satisfied unless it's a 4.0. Anything else makes me beat myself up about how stupid I am, how lazy I am, how much I could have done better, how much time I wasted sleeping...).

Realizing this makes a lot of other things make sense. Many of them I will keep to myself but one thing it affects is my attitude towards my schoolwork- I resent it because it's difficult and I resent myself because I'm not Rory Gilmore. Realizing that school is an idol means that I look to my grades, my degree as something to validate me, define me, and give me worth.... which it can't do... OH how my frustrations make sense now.

If only I had realized this in September. :) Thank you, Lord.

Pray for me.

Now, go to bed, young lady!

It's cold. Coat and Sweater.

2010-12-01T01:19:00.000-08:00

As you can see, it is 1:20am. I am in college. Sleep is not part of college. They ask you to leave your dreams, your relaxation abilities, and the muscles that close your eyelids upon entering campus.

I have 10 days left of first semester. It's been rough. I didn't transition well in September- I was exceptionally lonely and that led me to hide a lot and avoid people. October started with a car accident and a new friend who ended up being the most idiotic person known to man (he found mushrooms behind our house... so he ate them... without checking to see if he would die or not. MORON). November started with me realizing I was slacking and failing ALL my classes. All of them. Panic set in at that point. Frantically, I started rushing around not eating, drinking water or sleeping- just constantly pushing myself to the point of exhaustion. Not having a car didn't help. As a result of not taking care of myself, I proceeded to suffer from extreme dehydration.

I slept from Tuesday to Thursday. Occasionally I woke up delirious wondering why I wasn't in class....

The nursing major in my house started making me eat and forced me to chug an electrolyte drink to start my recovery. By Sunday, I was good as new just weak (and skinnier).

What have I learned from all this? My classes are not as important as my life. :) In response to that, I'm no longer frantic. I'm using my time more efficiently, eating, drinking water, and sleeping. My community group leaders, in their insane generosity, have lent me a car to use and I am SO thankful. I love not having to walk to class. It gives me more time to sleep! YES, right now it is 1:26am but I drank too much Pepsi before bed and have decided to take advantage of the high to study.

I have 10 days left and then I shall nap. Allllllllllll the time. I'm also looking forward to studying the scriptures, meeting with my community group leader to work through some stuff and working non-stop.

10 days. To God be the glory.

2010-11-27T16:51:00.000-08:00

Morning by morning I wake up to find

the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.

Season by season I watch him amazed, in

awe of the mystery of his perfect ways

All I have need of his hand will provide.

He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain he did

not recycle to bring me gain. I can't

remember one single regret in serving

God only and trusting his hand

All I have need of his hand will provide.

He's always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song, the

theme of the stories I've heard for so long.

God has been faithful, he will be again.

His loving compassion, it knows no end.

All I have need of his hand will provide.

He's always been faithful to me

Dear Love of my Life:

2010-11-03T19:03:00.002-07:00

WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!

Seriously, there are so many things I have to tell you.... so many things I need to talk about and discuss... so many things I need opinions on, so many things for you to correct.... I am impatiently awaiting you. COME ON. I have so much to talk about.... I might have to start making lists... oh and get excited, darling, I LOVE making lists.

You bring the pipe and the kit kat bars, I'll bring the cherry flavored tobacco and we shall discuss things (No, not You.).

*sigh* BLERG.

Oh there you are, Peter!

2010-10-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

I went to see Emma, my sister, this weekend. She's awesome. We were driving in the ancient purple van that has been passed down through all the Swanson's and STILL HASN'T DIED when Emma turned to me and said, "You should get a haircut." I agreed. My hair has been unruly and dead for a LONG time. She said, "I'll pay for it. You should get a pixie cut." SO. Without further adieu, I present to you my new look. I am so totally a pixie:

LOVE

2010-10-06T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have no concept of God as a loving Father.

My earthly father is extraordinary. He loves me, treats me like a loving father would. He took me on daddy dates when I was young, praised my musical ventures, prayed over me and pointed me to the mysteries of Christ and the Beatles. :) Still, I do not believe that my heavenly Father, My Daddy, is loving. He is good, of course, but out of love or responsibility?

In Pastor Mark's sermon last week, he said something that really hit me.
God didn't create us because he needed us. He wasn't lonely. He already had perfect communion within himself in the form of the Trinity. I was in no way needed BUT I was, am, WANTED.

Let that sink in.

God doesn't need you but He WANTS you.
He wants a relationship, he wants us to hang out, and cry...

Trying to wrap my head around this concept is making me cry! It brings up great, deep pain and brokenness that I have been hiding for years. In a conversation with my community group leader on Saturday, I discovered that everything I do, all my words, thoughts, and deeds, stem out of one painful experience from THIRD GRADE. As I struggle to believe that God loves me, he is pulling at the root of all my doubt-third grade! It's been hard but God has refined me so much since March!!! He doesn't need me but he wants me.

Tomorrow I get a break from the busy life I lead. :) After work, I'll be jumping on a bus and heading up to Seattle to spend a precious three hours with a dear friend of mine. The first few weeks of October are my favorite. The crisp, cold, beautiful days are so refreshing to me. Fallen leaves and scarves!?!? Aw yeah girl.

I'm wearing a sweater dress.

2010-09-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a young man to call at the end of the night.... to tell him my stories and know that he actually wants to listen... to hear his soothing voice, encourage each other, and hear him say good night. I know I'm not ready for a young man to love me. I know that. I am patient in my wait for him- I trust that the timing will be perfect. It's just that when I got on the computer this evening, I thought, "What for? There's no one to talk too." And I wish there was. He will come. I'm not worried about that.

[Please, if you comment, leave only footprints. I don't really want pithy encouragement. This is not a wistful post but more of just my current feelings.]

Farewell post

2010-08-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

I think I going to be done with blogging.

I don't have anything interesting to say- I'm only indulging my selfish desire to lead and put in my two cents. It would be much more beneficial if I wrote privately. It would give myself time to understand The Crazy (what I've officially named my anxious, stressed side) and it would give you, the reader, less of an opportunity to believe that I actually am crazy.

I've always loved to write but I think it's time to stop writing about myself.

I think blogs should be for edification.

I don't have anything edifying to say....

BUT I am I going to continue to read and comment on all those whose words I find uplifting!! You are a blessing to me and Blogtopia.

Thank you for reading, whoever you are. I bid you Good Night.

What's green and has wheels? Grass. I was just kidding about the wheels.

2010-08-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went to the Mars Hill Ballard campus for the first time.

It rocked my world.

The stage is smaller than I thought, the room is smaller than I thought and Pastor Mark is shorter than I thought! I didn't pay attention very well because I was too busy staring at everything else. It was great and I'm so glad I finally know where all the other campuses sprung out from. ALSO- now I don't have to go to church on Sunday because I heard the sermon last night. (All the campuses except Ballard are a week behind.) I'm going to sleep in which is something I NEVER do. EVER. Not even on Saturdays. I'm taking full advantage of the whole 'day of rest' concept.

I'm so blessed.

2010-08-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

I don't have very um....... finished thoughts on what I'm writing about. I just haven't written in a few days so I thought I'd update Blogtopia.

Lately, I am super excited about the work God is doing in my life, the place I am at and the people I am surrounded by. I am extraordinarily lonely yet God has put me in an incredible place....

[Seriously, this will be a terrible blog. I haven't had any Valerian since Sunday.]

I can't describe the attitude change I have but even in my loneliness I'm excited about the change I see in myself. Already, my heart and mind have become so regenerate! I'm learning how to pray until I stop freaking out, learning to thank God in the midst of my joy instead of waiting until I've screwed everything up to call to him. He is slashing my pride left and right and I LOVE it. It's uncomfortable and I feel like I'm trying to swim through mercury but God's empowering grace is renewing my strength each morning. He is redeeming me of my legalism. It has plagued me since I was 14.... I am so free of my lists and rules that my anxiety, stress, emotions are all under control. That's never happened!! :) It's SO GREAT!

I am so thankful for my community group. The women are extraordinary, I am SO thankful for their advice and counsel. I am so thankful for the men, too! It is SUCH A BLESSING to build friendships with godly men with no possibility of romantic entanglement. It takes all the pressure off. My friends Diana and Greg are getting married in October and I can't begin to explain how amazing it is to have Greg speak into my life. He has been so encouraging in every aspect of my faith.... I'm just so blessed. I love not having to worry about whether or not I'm going to marry him because he's already taken. YES!!! On that note, I am super excited about the man God is going to bring me. He is going to be so frakking awesome.... oh my gosh.... I get all giggly and grin a lot when I think of how God will provide for me. :) Anyways.

God is so good. I want all to know Him. He doesn't promise to bless but he does promise to heal and when you trust him to heal, he does just that and SO MUCH MORE. He doesn't have to bless me but he does because he has loves me!!! OH GREAT IS OUR GOD. I am free from bitterness, hurt and humiliation. I am so safe in the arms of my Savior and I have never felt this alive. :)

Update:Valerian

2010-08-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

So far, I think the Valerian is helping.

I haven't been as stressed or anxious lately even though I have a full plate. It hasn't gotten out of control. Sometimes it helps me sleep but not always.

I am experiencing two side effects: headaches and vivid dreams. The headaches are minor and usually go away within a half hour and the dreams haven't been scary. :)

I think we may have a winner!!

a thought

2010-08-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

I've been mulling over the idea of 'you deserve a man of God'. Now, being a total Calvinist, I don't believe I deserve anything other than death and eternal damnation. But a truth I DO believe in is that God uses experiences, our mistakes and his divine intervention to refine us. We are sick; sick with sin. It is a disease we will never heal from. God, as our Great Physician, does the healing. He brings things into our lives to make us healthy. One of those things is a mate. I do not deserve a man of God BUT a man of God is the healthiest choice for my walk with the Lord. Marriage is not meant to make you happy, it's meant to make you holy. (But, of course, He brings together people who make each other happy.) What a beautiful way to refine a sinner- put them in a 24/7 relationship with another sinner so they can call each other out on their sin, study, pray, and fight together! SO to recap: I do not deserve a man of God. God desires for me to be healthy and holy. He does this by putting me together with another Christian because it is the best way to keep me healthy and make me holy.

Amen. So be it.

I have a gentle and quiet spirit.

2010-07-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

I was a very emotional teenager. You know, crying a lot, extremely sensitive, over the edge loud and a bit annoying.

HOWEVER-

People seem to have forgotten that I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm still being told I'm too loud, I cry too much, I'm too sensitive.

Guess what? You're wrong. Do not be set on one idea you have of a person because they may change.

I am regenerate. God has refined me so much in the last few months. My community group girls will tell you- I am passionate but I am not loud. I am energetic but controlled. I don't cry as much as I used too and I usually do it in private. If I cry in front of you it's because I trust you to remember that I have changed and I'm no longer a mess. Sadly, I have chosen the wrong people to cry in front of lately.

That being said, I am in the process of trying something. I can get very anxious and turn into an insomniac. This is simply because I refuse to trust God, it's foolish but you do it too. :) My friend Kristen gave me a bottle of Valerian Root extract. According to my research, Valerain root is used as a sleep aid, to ease cramps and muscle aches, for stress, anxiety, and various digestive problems. I have all these problems. :) I started taking it last night (to help me sleep) and will continue taking it today. Some sources say it works immediately, other say it takes a month for your body to adjust to it. I don't think it helped all that much last night BUT one of the side effects is vivid dreams, and BOY did I have that one. I dreamt the weirdest stuff.... mazes with very specific ways to get out... like weird ways.... involving fire and knives... anyways....

Happy Friday.

Emily Anne Valovich Cofer

2010-07-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

Let me introduce you to one of my best friends. The closest to my age, Emily has always been my favorite cousin. I'm sure everyone knows it and I feel no shame in saying it. :) In our childhood we wrote letters to each other or talked on the phone for hours about our crushes and fairies. As young teenagers we continued talking about fairies but our stories were now peppered with friends, God, music and books. In the last few years, we have talked less and less- both occupied with life. And then how could I talk with her when Uncle Dale passed? There were no words, I could only cry and Emily was a different Emily. We did not care about fairies anymore.

Enter Evan, stage right.

The first few weeks I knew Evan, we wrote LONG e-mails back and forth. This was the man my dearest cousin had been talking about, dreaming about, saving pictures of wedding dresses for her entire life. I loved him instantly as did the rest of the family. God's timing is perfect. This man came in with a saving love, healing Emily and holding her together. What a Man of God.

Tomorrow these lovely people will join their lives together in front of God and family. Each time a new man is added to the family, the dynamics change. This time, the dynamics are drastic- the Dynamics are moving to California. But what God has joined together NO MAN will separate. I am blessed and excited to be a part of their celebration. Welcome to the Fam, Evan.

I love you, Emzie.

And the beat goes on...

2010-07-23T06:46:00.000-07:00

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Steven dumped me yesterday.
Awesome.

Satan is so mean. He brought such an attack against me. He whispered lies like, "Oh great, two ex-boyfriends. You're family is going to think you're even more of slut now." "Good thing you're pretty because you're a crazy lunatic." "You're so ugly no man would want you." "You're going to be alone forever." "You could have done better, tried harder..." AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I know to combat lies with truth. AND the truth is I accepted a long time ago that I messed up and I'm going to ignore my families disapproval and keeping walking in hope. I am not a crazy lunatic or ugly because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. If I am alone forever, it will be to my benefit and God's glory because He has a plan and He is good. There were things I could have done better at but other things that should have not been a problem for him.

I'm ok. I'm sad, of course. But I'm ok. This break up is going to be nothing like the last because I know how to heal and I have a healthy mindset. I'm going to run to my Savior, my heavenly Daddy (I call Him that when I'm really sad. It helps bring him close to me.) and praise His name for the beauty and grace He has poured out on me.

Oh death, where is your sting? Oh hell, where is your victory? Oh church let's stand in the light. Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive!! Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death with death, come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave. Christ is risen from the dead, we are one with him again, come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave.

jerk.

2010-07-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

Satan has a bizarre way of getting under my skin.

That jerk is SO GOOD at finding my smallest fears and bringing them to center stage. He loves to watch from the corner as I over-analyze every aspect of this fear, as I accept it and begin to panic- letting go of God's sovereign hand and switching over to I-have-to-fix-it mode.

The Liar does it on days where I've already been emotional. He brings the attack in immediately. Yesterday, it only took him two hours after I had left church to start bugging me.

It took me 15 minutes in church to cry, repent of sin, take communion and go forth in the grace of God.
Then, it took three hours out of church with satan bringing worries to my mind before I stumbled back to God screaming help! He was happy to oblige. He played the God card and satan scampered away with his tail between his legs. NICE.

I am SO looking forward to the rapture after party in Heaven. Can we go right now?

find a queen without a king- they she say she plays guitar and cries and sings...

2010-07-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

Who would you call for bail money?
Emma, my sister.

How much does your imagination weigh?
The same as three lemon drops and a heavy dose of the color pink.

What is your idea of heaven?
JESUS, rest, lots of eating, drinking, and singing.

Who used to be your superhero when you were a child?
It was usually me. I was the one saving the fairies from the evil gnomes.

I’m not trying to embarrass you, but do you have any embarrassing guilty pleasures?
POP MUSIC.

You wouldn’t be caught dead, where?
At a Barry Manilow concert.

Most hated chore on the chore list?
I hate cleaning the bathroom. I want to shower immediately afterward.

What is one thing you miss as a kid but no longer do or can do?
I loved dressing up. Anything is possible if you get into costume

If you had to live underwater for 2 years, what would you be and why?
I want to be a narwhal. I want to know what the horn is for.

Who or which was one of your favorite musical groups when you were in middle school?
Plus One. A really bad christian boy band. :)

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The choral I wrote for the final in my theory class at PLU. I got an A on it and a B+ over all.

If you were to start your own restaurant, what would it be called?
Stirfry and little Widget.

If you could be any fruit, which would you be and why?
KIWI! Because they are yummy and green.

Which household object would you turn yourself into if you had to pick one?
a mirror

The world is twisted.

2010-06-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a bad talk radio session. They've been throwing around the question: Is it selfish for a couple to choose NOT to have children?

Oh the insane answers that are coming in.

There's the whole argument of you shouldn't bring a child into this terrible world.
There's the argument that women are selfish because when they get pregnant, they force the man to go out and earn the money.
There's the argument that men are selfish, wanting to inflict a permanent body change on their wives.

There was one 28-year-old who called in saying she was having too much fun and didn't want the responsibility. Her husband wants kids so she'll 'have to do it'.

It's a good thing the Lord is patient because I'm about ready to punch these people in the face.

He likes me and I don't understand why.

2010-06-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

I was just re-reading old blog posts and I stumbled upon this one. On Sunday, Steven was over and we were taking a walk because it was nice. I started singing a poorly written pop song and dancing on the street.

Steven started grinning. I laughed and said, "I'm a dork." He pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear, "A sexy dork." :)

I'm so happy. :)

Hello

2010-06-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

Good Morning World.

That is truly all I have to say at the moment. It's just a beautiful day and I thought I'd pop in and say hello.

LOVES!!!!

-Molly

Of course, A LIST!

2010-06-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

There are too many things to write about right now. Otherwise, this blog would be a year and a half long. SO I will leave you with one of my favorite things: a list. At some point I'll be able to sit down and write, hopefully.

The Trafficking conference was unbelievable and the Lord has shown me where I will be serving for the rest of my life.
My voice changes when I sing for Jesus. I'm not kidding. It's better when I'm singing worship music as opposed to when I'm performing art pieces. It's very interesting to me.
I've started riding my bike to work.
I've recently started questioning the phrase 'woman of God' as it pertains to the way I act and my own set of thinking. I've had some rather interesting discoveries.
I've also recently discovered that I have a horrible and quite uncontrollable temper. If you get me mad about certain things, watch out- I will get nasty.
Shelton has a large population of Guatemalan immigrants who work for the floral companies. They going into the woods and pick the ferns and other decorative leaves that go in the arrangements with the flowers. They are being abused by there employers and are being cheated out of their wages. I learned that at my conference this last weekend. Slavery and bondage is happening HERE and no one knows about it.
I will list out the evidences of God's grace in this past week. INCREDIBLE.

I think it's fitting to stop at 7 since 7 is God's holy number. :) Plus 7 things is already too many to talk about.

On a happy note, Nathan, my brother, graduates from high school tomorrow. GOOD JOB BUBBY!!! It is very exciting for us because Nathan has had to work ridiculously hard in order to graduate. That stupid school put him through SO many hoops and failed him SO many times. I am super excited to watch him walk and to see my sister and her husband.

What's new, pussycat!? WoOoOoOH!!!

2010-06-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, I drove straight from work to Chehalis. I went there to re-hearse with the band Exalt Deo, a band that plays worship at Mars Hill Church in Olympia. It was awesome. When I first got there, I ran into a Safeway to use the bathroom. On my way out of the stall, I looked up to see my friend Autumn, a Chehalis native, standing there. We hardly ever see each other. Her family can't always make it to service and when they do, it's always to the one I'm not going too. It was delightful to see her lovely face.

On Thursday, I drove straight from work to Parkland. Parkland is where Pacific Lutheran University is- which I will be attending in the fall. I went there to sign the lease on a house with 5 other girls. My mother came with me because I wanted her too. I didn't know what I was doing and that made me nervous. Three of the girls were already there. They were each very gracious and gave me a run down of the neighborhood and other such details. When the landlord appeared on scene, my mother and I were immediately at ease just by his appearance and his demeanor. In God's abundant graciousness, the landlord turned out to be a Christian. I am so thankful for that- I can't tell how much at peace I am with moving into this giant house. :)

Today, Friday, I will be driving, not straight from work but a few moments after, to Gig Harbor to meet with a woman for coffee. She is employed at the church of my old youth pastor and has a lot of helpful information about what I should be doing to work towards rehabilitating victims of sex trafficking. I am meeting with her at 9pm and staying the night at my youth pastors house. Then, the following day, I will be attending a day long trafficking conference in Gig Harbor. That day just happens to be my boyfriend's 23rd birthday. Oops. I'll be able to meet up with him around 7, 7:30 that evening to celebrate and give him presents.

On Sunday, I am singing with the band Exalt Deo for worship at Mars Hill Olympia. I am nervous. I am singing mostly harmony but at one point I am playing the tambourine on the song Amazing Grace. Yep, that's right. The TAMBOURINE in AMAZING GRACE. It's awesome. Anyways, I'm thoroughly exhausted and I've decided I'm not going anywhere next week except on Tuesday (and probably Wednesday) night. I do not want to drive any more. I hate driving.

Stream of Consciousness

2010-06-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

I'm wearing my boots. I like my boots. I wish I had black ones. I have too many clothes. I hate all my clothes. I need to fix those skirts Emily gave me. Emily's bridal shower is next Saturday. I'm going to Gig Harbor this Saturday. I hate driving. I need to clean out my car. There are peanuts all over the place. I love peanuts. Baseball games are fun. I miss Seattle. I want a doughnut. That'll make me sick. I wish my stomach would settle. I need to work out more. I hate running. My feet hurt. I need more shoes. I need to do laundry. I have to buy more detergent. I don't have enough money. I wonder how much it costs to sell plasma. I hate needles. Vaccines are important. Why don't some people vaccinate their kids? I wish I could play with little kids. I need to call Bella. I should call Kat too. Then Emma will be mad at me for not calling her. I should call Emma. I wonder how their trip was. I want to go camping. I haven't been camping in forever. I wonder if Jake is going to camp at Schafer. That barbecue was fun. I didn't know flour explodes. I need to bake Steven a pie. I owe him $10. I owe Michele $4. Nathan owes me $20. I wonder where Nate is. I need my headphones. It's probably illegal to listen to an iPod while driving. I wish I had one of those connector cord thingies. GAH I NEED MORE MONEY. Money does in fact grow on trees. A tree fell down in our yard. Our fence fell down. Now those little yippy dogs come in and chase the cats. What ever happened to Paul Anka? I should watch less Gilmore Girls. I should watch less TV. I need to study more. I should practice piano. I won't be home until late. I hate driving in the dark. I'm sleepy.........................................................................

[I literally sat down and typed whatever came to mind. Look at how many 'I need' and 'I want's there are. I am SO selfish.]

Ah, the Pacific Northwest...

2010-05-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Dear weather,

It's almost June. Why won't you cooperate? We are cold. We are not appreciative of your inability to make up your mind. Knock it off. Let the sun come out and play. He has served enough time indoors. Let him out.

Sincerely,

Molly Alyssum Swanson

Forgiven/Alexander Beetle

2010-05-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

I feel that this morning is a morning for silliness and bliss. One thing I always find blissful is poetry by A.A. Milne. This Poem is called Forgiven (but is known as Alexander Beetle) and is from the compilation, 'Now We Are Six'. I'd like to dedicate this to Hazel and Jade Montgomery, two sweet little girls on the other side of the country. If you read it out loud it drips off the tongue so perfectly!!

I found a little beetle, so that beetle was his name,
And I called him Alexander and he answered just the same.
I put him in a matchbox, and I kept him all the day...

And Nanny let my beetle out
Yes, Nanny let my beetle out
She went and let my beetle out-
And beetle ran away.

She said she didn't mean it, and I never said she did,
She said she wanted matches, and she just took off the lid
She said that she was sorry, but it's difficult to catch
An excited sort of beetle you've mistaken for a match.

She said that she was sorry, and I really mustn't mind
As there's lots and lots of beetles which she's certain we could find
If we looked about the garden for the holes where beetles hid-
And we'd get another matchbox, and write BEETLE on the lid.

We went to all the places which a beetle might be near,
And we made the sort of noises which a beetle likes to hear,
And I saw a kind of something, and I gave a sort of shout:
"A beetle-house and Alexander Beetle coming out!"

It was Alexander Beetle I'm as certain as can be
And he had a sort of look as if he thought it might be ME,
And he had a kind of look as if he thought he ought to say:
"I'm very, very sorry that I tried to run away."

And Nanny's very sorry too, for you know what she did,
And she's writing ALEXANDER very blackly on the lid,
So Nan and me are friends, because it's difficult to catch
An excited Alexander you've mistaken for a match.

Lord, take me away.

2010-05-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!

It's not suicidal... but sometimes, I just really want to go HOME.

I am struggling deeply with satan, sin and death- as it should be, I believe. John Piper said in his sermon preached to the Mars Hill congregation, "Be killing sin or sin will be killing you." The LORD is presenting me with several opportunities to kill sin; sin I didn't even know was still hiding in my heart. God is refining me. He has rid me of my sin, killed it for me for I am much to weak to do it myself. But at this moment, I really want to go HOME.

My God, My Father - played by Ghost Ship at Mars Hill Downtown Seattle -...

2010-05-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

I was at Mars Hill- Downtown Seattle during this service. I wept through this song with my hands up whispering over and over again, "Thy will be done."

It is amazing how we think if we do what God asks us too, we won't be happy. SO we fight and we sin and we hurt ourselves more. Then we obey, and sure enough, God turns obedience into joy and things happen that you NEVER thought would. You are able to forgive and let go of bitterness. You are happy, you laugh, you write songs. :) It may have taken me a year but I followed, 'Thy Will be Done' and now I am SO happy it is ridiculous.

Praise to the Lord, who heals broken people and restores broken relationship. And brings musical inspiration at 1:30am. :)

I like my daddy.

2010-04-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

'Star Wars (John Williams Is The Man)' medley - Corey Vidal and Moosebut...

2010-04-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

Last night, the Men's Chorus at Pacific Lutheran University closed their performance with this piece. Of course their version was much better because they are professional choral singer... and 40 hot guys singing about Star Wars was probably the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Dr. Galante, the conductor of University Singers, Chorale, and the Men's Chorus, has reached a new level of bad ass-ness for choosing this piece.

(If you don't know, John Williams is a rather famous composer. He has created the themes for several iconic films as well as other choral pieces.)

(This guy isn't top notch, but it gives you a sense.)

The boys did the wookie noise and everything. It was SOO hilarious.

Truths. I didn't come up with these.

2010-04-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument whenyou realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes amoment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anythingproductive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BlueRay? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word andit asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paperthat I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any givenFriday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going onwhen I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

22. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a wordthey said?

24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front.

25. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

26. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

27. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

28. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

29. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

30. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

2010-04-15T21:02:00.001-07:00

I miss you.

oh my soul, oh my Jesus...

2010-04-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night, I sat in a circle on the floor with several other women in different stages of life. There were three married, two were mother, two dating girls- one nearly engaged, the other in the first few days of a relationship, and five of us, single but in no way hopeless. I was the new one, the youngest, sitting there in silence as the other women asked each other about the goings-ons... the vacations, the follow up on prayer request, other such things.... and as I sat there, the most beautiful thing happened.

They showed their sin.

A mother spoke blatantly about her struggles with raising her boys, her anger and inability to trust.
A beautiful girl talked about her latest visit to a counselor without flinching, her doubt and inability to trust.
A young single admitted she was on the edge of despair with her school work, her hatred and inability to trust.

I was amazed. I'm not kidding, every single Christian in the world puts on a show when they meet another Christian. I don't even let slang slip through my lips when I first meet new Christians because you never know what stupid, legalistic thing will offend them. But these incredible women didn't hide a thing. I don't know any people like this. They are so willing to just be broken, without apology and without fear. It was so refreshing. I wanted to scream out, "I'm a frakking mess!!!!!!!" because I knew these women wouldn't look at me with that judgemental pity that others give when I explain my sin. I didn't.... because I was new and I didn't want to show my sin but I knew that later, I could, and not a single one of them would pity me. They would come beside me IN THEIR SIN and simply pray with me.

He's just a poor boy from a poor family...

2010-04-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

This is a day of stress and ZERO time.

In 7 minutes I have to drive to Bremerton to pick up three philosophy tests, one of which is due on Thursday. That means that after I drive up today, I'll have to drive back up again either tomorrow or Wednesday. Oh joy.

Then of course there is the studying for the test that is occuring. It's Philosophy- lots of questions that remain unanswered. I'm in the middle of the second chapter and, although I have a pretty good grasp on the concepts presented, there is still a lot of material to shove in my brian.

I am also visitng a Mars Hill Community Group this evening. I'm very nervous. Despite the fact that these are my siblings in Christ, I have to walk into a strangers house, even worse into to a group of already-friends, and pretend to fit in. Won't that be fun. Plus, all Christians do this; when you meet a new christian, you put on your holy hat and try not to let your sin leak out your pores. How long before they discover my dark and deceitful heart? That causes anxiety. Plus they live in Olympia SO after I drive back and forth from Bremerton, eat some dinner and put on pants, I'll get back in my car to drive to a stranger's house- I'll probably get lost because I am directionally challenged.

RAWR.

Ok. That's all. I'm going to buy some taco's.
OH YES! Led Zeppelin just came on the radio... You need coolin!!! Baby, I'm not FOOLIN'!!!

I think these are funny :)

2010-04-09T10:36:00.001-07:00

I think this one is the funniest:

REALLY!?

2010-04-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

This makes sense:

Speeding Patrols Added Statewide to Reduce Fatalities
First Statewide Slow Down or Pay Up Campaign Launches on April 9th

Olympia, WA — Starting Friday, April 9, law enforcement agencies throughout Washington will crack down on speeding with extra patrols on local roads, state highways and interstate freeways. For the first time ever, a statewide speeding campaign, Slow Down or Pay Up, will be rolled out across Washington. Working with 153 state and local law enforcement agencies throughout the state, the Washington Traffic Safety Commission (WTSC) aims to reduce speeding-involved crashes, which currently account for 40 percent of all traffic deaths on our roadways.

Slow Down or Pay Up is a key component of the Strategic Highway Safety Plan — Target Zero. The vision of Target Zero is zero deaths and serious injuries from traffic crashes in Washington by the year 2030. The plan is being implemented with enforcement, education, engineering and emergency medical services working in concert.

"Washington’s commitment to improving traffic safety through Target Zero has produced significant results in the last four years," said Lowell Porter, Director of the WTSC. "By identifying the state’s traffic safety priorities and investing our resources based on data, proven strategies, best practices, and strong partnerships, we can again this year realize fewer deaths and serious injuries resulting from speeding."

THIS is the moronic part:

Safe Driving Tips from the WTSC To help drivers comply with the law and reduce risks, the WTSC advises the following safety tips:
-Obey the speed limit.
-Adjust your speed for the road and weather conditions. Sometimes, the posted speed is not a safe speed.
-Don’t tailgate. Leave at least one car length between you and the car in front of you for every 10 mph of your speed.
-Slow down when it’s rainy, icy or foggy.
-In heavy traffic, slow down and watch out for sudden stops or erratic driving by other drivers. -
-Slow down if there is limited sight distance.

WELL DUH. People don't need an outline of what they SHOULD have been doing in the first place. Tips? How about common sense!

He is Risen. He is Risen, Indeed.

2010-04-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

Why do you look for the living among the dead?

HE IS NOT HERE.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/easter/easter-2010 (Seriously, check it out. It's only 20 minutes long- an amazing accomplishment for Pastor Mark)

John 19:42: Because it was the Jewish day of Preparation and since the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there...

2010-04-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

Oh my soul
Oh my Jesus
Judas sold you for 30
I'd have done it for less

Oh my soul
Oh my Savior
Peter denied you three times
I have denied you more

As the nails went in

I was standing right there

As you breathed your last

I shook my head and I cried

Oh my God, what have we done

we have destroyed Your son

Oh my God, what have we done

we have destroyed Your son

Oh my soul
Oh my Jesus
Judas sold you for 30
I'd have done it for less

Oh my soul
Oh my Savior
Peter denied you three times
I have denied you more

And the blood ran down

I was standing right there

And the water poured
I shooked my head and I cried

Oh my God, what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son

Oh my God, what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son

Oh my God, what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son

Oh my God, what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son.

As the nails went in

I was standing right there

As you breathed your last

I shook my head and I cried

Oh my God, what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son

Oh my God what have we done?

we have destroyed your son

Oh my God what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son

Oh my God what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son

Oh my God, what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son

oh my God, what have we done?

we have destroyed Your son

It is going to take years before I feel better

2010-04-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying,

let me lift up your face.

Just don't turn away.

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching, as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run?

To where will you run?

Cause I'll be by your side
Whenever you fall
in the dead of night
Whenever you call
and please don't fight these hands that are holding you.
Yeah my hands are holding you.

Look at these hands, and my side
I swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the worlds sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

I wanna give you life

Cause I'll be by your side
Whenever you fall
in the dead of night
Whenever you call
and please don't fight these hands that are holding you.
Yeah my hands are holding you.

Cause I, I LOVE YOU
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I, I LOVE YOU
I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO

Cause I'll be by your side
Whenever you fall
in the dead of night
Whenever you call
and please don't fight these hands that are holding you.
Yeah my hands are holding you.

Tenth Avenue North- By Your Side

Happy Friday!!!

2010-03-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

~Author Unknown

My Father's Swedish Family

2010-03-24T19:33:00.000-07:00

My Grandfather: Alden George Swanson

His Wife: Coralyn Jane Digre

My Great Grandfather: Theodore David Swanson

His Wife: Gerda Amalia Svard

My Great Great Grandfather: Gustaf Theodolf Svenson

His Wife: Johanna Matilda Liljequist

My Great Grandmother: Gerda Amalia Svard

Her Father: Grenadier Saloman Petterson Svard

Her Mother: Johanna Charlotta Petersdotter

My Grandfather: Alden George Swanson

His Brother: Dwight Valentine Swanson, married to Emerentia Proieda Blaskowska, affectionately known a Emery.

His Brother: Elmer David Swanson, married Frances Elizabeth Maddox

His Sister: Genevieve Charlotte Gertrude Swanson, married Curtis Holmer who died young, she re-married Everett Pearson

Other names that reach back to the 1700's:

Nils (3, all males)

Stina (female)

Magnus (male

Sven (a couple of Sven's, males)

Axel (male)

Charin (female)

Ingeborg (female)

There is also an Emma and a Molly. :)

We're all learning.

2010-03-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, I swore I would never drink and I loudly condemned every one who did.

While dating my ex-boyfriend, I told him I didn't want him drinking at all. I wanted him to set a good example for his brothers, which I still think is reasonable, but I also wanted him to conform to what I believed was the right thing to do. Of course, underage drinking is against the law. But I was calling on a higher law: my personal legalism.

It wasn't until my sister's bachelorette party that I understood alcohol could be enjoyed in moderation. The women there were of the legal age and not a single one got drunk. I was not pressured to even try a drink. I even had my own 'Safe Sex on the Beach' punch bowl of fruit juice. We all had fun, dancing and joking around, and it was that night that I realized you don't become a slobbering drunk from one drink.

There is a way to drink without being foolish. I just didn't learn that until the end of my first year of college. Now, I regret how much I vocally condemned other people who had figured out before me that 'Everything in moderation' can be applied to alcohol.

That being said, my most recent struggle is with cigarettes.

I have a huge problem with cigarettes. I didn't realize that until a dear friend picked up the habit. Sure, I had been around smokers but it was never some one I cared about so deeply so it didn't bother me.

Now we all know, including smokers, that cigarettes are bad news but who am to stand on a soap box and loudly condemn every smoker I see? I am just as weak. I rationalize eating foods that make me sick and I am incredibly lazy. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason. And then there is the self-inflicted toll constantly being sick has on my physical body. I can't pull out the 'your body is the temple of God', verse on smokers when I am constantly yakking because I'd rather eat ice cream than actually make myself a sandwich. I am as incapable of fighting the crap in my life as smokers. We all rely on something we don't need, something that can kill us. It lurks in the darkness but you know in your heart that it's there.

What's my point..... I guess my point is that we're all learning. We're all growing up, learning more about the world, about ourselves, about God, and I think we lack patience. People are still figuring it out... don't condemn some one for something you disagree on. Maybe they are just growing up, just learning. I'm not saying cigarettes are OK; they're not. I'm simply stating that I am learning, we are learning, mind-sets change and we all need to have more patience with each other. I've lost my patience a lot lately and it has cost me a wonderful friend. You may not agree with me... but please remember, I'm learning.

We have to do something.

2010-02-10T21:58:00.001-08:00

I watched a movie with my brother today. It came out last year and, at the time, I really wanted to see it. It's called Taken. Essentially the movie was supposed to be focused on Liam Neeson kicking and shooting the crap out of bad guys in order to save his abducted daughter but that's not the movie I saw. His daughter goes off on a trip to Paris with her friend and they meet a man who works for a pimp. Of course they don't know that but they are naive and trusting and he immediately tells his superiors where the girls are staying. Within hours of being there, they are both abducted and sold into sex trafficking.

Nothing makes me more righteously angry than sex slavery.

The gift of sex, mutilated and made evil.
The beauty of the female body, mutilated and used for momentary pleasure. Not appreciated or cherished.
The innocence, hope, and life of little girls, mutilated and stolen.

How EVIL.

There was one scene in the movie that actually made me cry. The daughter character was a virgin. That makes her a valuable purchase. There were four, rich, high rank Arabic men each in their own dark closet like-room. They had their cigarettes, their alcohol, and a buzzer in their hands. They couldn't see each other but the rooms were facing another room where a young girl, bedecked in jewels and tiny lingerie stood crying and weak. The over head speaker in a women's voice said, "We've saved the best item for last. Foreign. Pure Guaranteed." Then they start buying her. BUYING her. I just started crying. I was furious over the words used: item? AN ITEM. In the next scene, her father, Liam Neeson's character, shoots and kills the man who wouldn't let his daughter go. "It was business, it wasn't personal," he begged.

I'm sure the producers and writers of the movie meant for me, the audience member, to see a bad ass father kill every body and save his daughter before she is de-flowered by a fat, Arabic man who just bought here for 500,000 euros. That's not what I saw.

How can men be so evil as to buy a women for sex? Didn't he have a mother? Didn't he once have little girl friends as a child? What makes a person pervert the value of another human so much as to addict her to heroine and sell her? What makes a man so broken as to buy a girl, use her for an hour and then leave to walk out in the open air as she breathes in the stench of sweat, blood, and tears?

Did you know that Seattle is on a trafficking circuit? This circuit encompasses all forms of trafficking; sex, forced labor, child labor, and arranged marriages. The circuit is: Honolulu, Las Vegas, New Orleans, Portland, Vancouver, and Yakima. Washington is an excellent place for trafficking because of it's access to Canada and ports. So many people think trafficking isn't happening in the US but according to reports an estimated 100,000 to 300,000 adolescents are commercially sexually exploited every year. This doesn't include all the money and problems made by child pornography. 12 is the average age a person enters into the world of pornography, 1 out of 5 pornographic images is a child and child pornography is a $3 billion dollar industry.

So many people walked into the theater and walked away thinking, "Liam Neeson is awesome." How many of them walked away thinking, "We have to do something about brothels."? How many people actually realized that those horrible scenes of dead or sick girls are TRUTH? Girls AND boys are being sold into this. It's actually happening.

Just... don't be ignorant, ok? Little girls are being robbed of a childhood, 17 year old's who wanted to give their virginity to a man who loved them are being beaten, sold and broken. They are ashamed of the evil that was done against them and for those of us who have a voice, we must SCREAM out on their behalf.

Here are some websites to further your knowledge:
Human Trafficking: Sexual Trafficking
Shared Hope International
HumanTrafficking.org There is a link on the right side for the United States.
Washington State a Hotbed for Human trafficking This article is 6 years old so I would hope that the police have at least tried to do something.
Love146 EVERYONE should know about Love146

Things I WILL do in 2010

2010-01-21T22:18:00.001-08:00

1. Make the journey up to Canada to Sara's house.

2. Take a road trip during the summer down to California.

3. Sharpen up my piano playing skills.

4. Get back to college- either UW or PLU... and maybe Reed in Portland, known for its debauchery.

5. Try to pick up the mandolin.

6. Start a band with Kristen Farrell!!!
7. Perform somewhere.

8. *If I move to Seattle* Dread my hair. (stop freaking out, it's not your hair.)

I'm so frustrated.

2010-01-20T23:36:00.000-08:00

I don't measure up when it comes to other women...
Like the beautiful, smart ones.

I wish women didn't have to try so hard. I wish we didn't have to compete with each other. I know I don't need to... that some guy will actually love me even though I'm too short, ugly, and stupid.

But all the same. I'm feeling pretty frakking lousy right now.

1990-2010

2010-01-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

Today is my 20th birthday.

To quote my best friend, "I'm in denial." It's weird being 20. I won't feel that my age has changed until three months from now when I look back on the last three months and see how I've grown. That is when I will feel 20.

It was a good birthday. Not the best day I've had but there was a good deal of love and strangely Facebook played a big part in that. Earlier, I was having a meltdown. It was partly because I was nervous about school, I always get nervous about school, but it was also just low self-esteem and emotional crap. But I got on facebook at the end of the day and 52 people had written Happy Birthday to me. 52. That blew my mind. Some were people I would never expect to care but there it was, on my wall, "Happy Birthday!". 52 times. My family came together to love me and celebrate with a good meal and some laughter. I am blessed and I am happy.

20 years old today. Let's face it, that's just weird.

Oh The Joy.

2009-12-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

God Bless Gabriel Shea Tippery.

I was having a really hard time with the fact that I had no where to go on New Years Eve. I actually tried to find a friend and since I don't have a car, it was becoming increasingly difficult to find anywhere to go. By 8pm this evening I was in tears, facing the fact that I would spend News Years alone while everyone else partied with their friends and while someone else would spent their night with Martin. I decided it was time to be rude. I invited myself over to someone's house. He was gracious and excited for me to come over and I was grateful but the tears didn't stop, in fact they came faster. That was when the text message came, "How's your Friday?". Gabe has been trying for a week to come over to my house but all kinds of things have kept him away. I opened my phone and called him the moment I got the text message... I was just blubbering. We ended up talking for an hour and 20 minutes about everything: school, Jesus, theology, my hatred of rice, his family, Love 146, him being a doctor.... he made me laugh and I feel so much better after talking to him. And! He will be here on Friday. I don't know what we're going to do but it will be SO nice to talk to someone who actually cares about me (I've been noticing lately that people do not care. I am guilty of it too but it so horrible the way we pretend to care about people but we talk behind their backs or we just ask them how they are to be polite without being truly empathetic. The worst is when we lie to make some one care... That happened to me recently. I was lied to so I would care and then kicked to the side. It's just horrible.).

And all of you who want to freak out about this, Gabe is a friend. Capice? :)

I'm crabby because the SPSCC lady called and woke me up.

2009-12-29T10:33:00.001-08:00

Since I was little I have loved New Years Eve. I've always thought it should involve a HUGE party but I've never been able to find one I fit into. When I was younger it was too hard to do anything because we lived all the way out in Elma. When I was almost a teenager, I had to follow my parents wherever they went which was usually to someones house where the kids were either Nathan's age or Emma's age or way older and they didn't want an 8-year-old around. In high school, most new years were spent at Sara's house. Just her family and I for a bit and then me having to leave before midnight because my parents didn't want me on the road while all the drunk people were out. Last year may have been the only year I went to a party on new years but it was with Martin and they were his friends. I still felt like I was just there because I had no where else to go. I wasn't really part of the group and no one would miss me if I wasn't there. Which brings us to this year. I am pretty sure this year will again be spent with me sitting on the hearth by myself in the living room watching the fireworks on tv and going to bed at 12:15. Happy New Year. I hope you have a party to go to.

Christmas

2009-12-26T12:23:00.000-08:00

My family is a crazy lot.
There was, of course, the glorious food made by Nana. Every year she apologizes for something. This year it was the ham which was, of course, delicious. Silly Nana, you are the Queen!!! For some reason I felt like being smart about what I ate- I took small portions, switched the apple cider with hot water (let's face it: I have the digestive system of 85 year old), and only had two meringue and lemon curd treats. I escaped the holiday without any bloating or vomiting- a rarity for me even in daily life. That alone made the holiday great. :) There was Emily and I 'playing' Christmas carols on the piano. She plays the treble clef and I play the bass and we butcher the ENTIRE song and everyone starts yelling at us to stop. But possibly the best part was my father bringing his chimes to my grandparents house and the eight of us all trying to figure out how to play a hymn. My Truck is the funniest old man. "Now hold on here a minute..." he would say before trying to figure out what he was supposed to do. We butchered the last line almost every time but our final run was beautiful with Nathan adding in an impromptu high G and sending us all in to hysterics. It was a good holiday and now I must un-load and re-load the dishwasher and eat the bag of spearmint leaves my grandpa gave me. I won't eat them the way he taught me, though, I'm much too impatient for that!

Don't read this if you're depressed cause it'll just make you feel worse.

2009-12-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

Whenever we go to see the niece and nephew, my father's ex-wife is there. She is a dear sweet woman and over the years, I, along with my siblings and mother, have formed a pretty good relationship with her. I always knew in the back of my head that my father had been married to her but I never really thought about it. He loved my mom now. He was married to her now and everything else was in the past.

I've just recently stopped loving my one and only ex-boyfriend. I can tell you exactly when it died. I never thought that was possible. I loved him with such strength, such hope, that I knew nothing could break it. We WOULD be together. Even when we broke up I was positive it wasn't the end. Then things started changing as they always do. Slowly and horribly, every last shred of love I had for him was cut.

The last time I saw my father's ex-wife was November twenty something. My love for my ex was gone at this point and for the first time, I looked at her and felt like weeping.

It is horrible when love dies. When something that was so strong and so beautiful is ripped apart by the same two people who once put it together. Now, I am thankful my father did not stay with his first wife otherwise... I wouldn't be typing right now. Otherwise my father would not have been broken only to be put back together by the grace of God. But looking at my father's first wife and sitting in pain next to her, I began to ache for love again. I wanted it back but I knew it was so completely murdered. I didn't want the same story my dad and this sweet women had had.

Those of you who have love, don't kill it. Pray for it every moment to be protected by Christ. It is SO true, "What God puts together, let no man seperate." When He is the foundation, it will survive and your heart will remain in one piece.

Christmas 2009 came early for the Swanson's

2009-12-20T19:57:00.000-08:00

Emma and Michael (my sis and brother-in-law) are going to Idaho for the Christmas Holiday but since we like them too, we decided to have christmas early. It started with White Christmas at the 5th Avenue Theater which, while being extraordinary and full of talented people, was not my cup of tea. I'm far too in love with Danny Kaye. AND there was no, "Mandy.... there's a minister handy...." so my calling Mandy was useless. Every year since I can remember, Emma and I fight over who gets to be Mandy. She has the legs, but I can dance. Emma calls it first every time. I called before the play started and then, No Mandy! Frak. After the show, we went home to the APT in Kirkland and snarfed down fondue. We were starving. After that we opened our presents and mine rocks. Merry Christmas!!!

Last Day At the PUD

2009-12-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

I remember my interview at the PUD. The entire time I was praying, "Mess up, say something really stupid so they won't hire you. I don't want to work here. This is too scary." I was sweating bullets and shaking almost uncontrollably. I was mortified. I didn't want the job at all.

And yet, three hours later I got a call from the boss asking me if I could start the next day. I cried.

That was Senior year of high school. Now I am a second-year University student with an AA tucked under one arm and one year of music studying under the other but I am still here.

It's time to go. I worked all Senior year and all summer. Then I took three weeks off to pack and move up to PLU. I was there for a year and the weekend after classes ended I started back up at the PUD without one single day off. This time, I worked until this very day.

I am so ready to have another job. It's not that I don't like my job or the people I work with. It's that I've gotten into a rut. My life consists of nothing more than my job and I'm not ok with that. I had originally decided to quit because I was heading off for the University of Washington. Now I don't know if that's happening but even if it's not, I need to have a different job. I need to have a life. It is SO time to go.

2009-12-14T07:01:00.000-08:00

As the sleep begins to wear off, I am hit more and more by the contents of this day.
Today is the year anniversary of my Uncle Dale's passing.
For those of you who know me and those of you who don't, I ask that you be in prayer for my family. Especially for my Auntie J and their three daughters and two son-in-laws. It has been a difficult year for all but God has been gracious and he has been present and he has held my Auntie J and her children together. Please pray. Today is going to be very difficult.

I'm sure at some point one of the plans I make for my life won't utterly fail.

2009-12-12T22:10:00.000-08:00

Don't tell me not to live,
Just sit and putter,
Life's candy and the sun's
A ball of butter.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade.
Don't tell me not to fly
I've simply got to.
If someone takes a spill,
It's me and not you.
Who told you you're allowed
To rain on my parade!

I'll march my band out,
I'll beat my drum,
And if I’m fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir.
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it!
But whether I’m the rose
Of sheer perfection,
Or freckle on the nose
Of life's complexion,
The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye,
I gotta fly once,
I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, love is juicy,
Juicy, and you see
I gotta have my bite, sir!
Get ready for me, love,’cause I’m a "comer,"
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Don't bring around a cloud
To rain on my parade!

I'm gonna live and live now,
Get what I want I know how,
One roll for the whole shebang,
One throw, that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target and wham
One shot, one gun shot, and bam
Hey, Mister Arnstein, here I am!

I'll march my band out,
I will beat my drum,
And if I’m fanned out,
Your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it.
Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it.

Get ready for me, love,'cause I’m a "comer,"
I simply gotta march,
My heart's a drummer.
Nobody, no, nobody
Is gonna rain on my parade.

My eyes are dim, I cannot see, I have not got my specs with me... oh wait, yes I do.

2009-12-07T07:40:00.000-08:00

Such pain this morning and I've only been up for an hour.

I think my lack of sleep, stress level, and starvation are catching up with me. Not to mention my right foot which has been throbbing for the last three days.
I just finished weeping... sitting pitifully alone at my desk at work.

Life is hard. I kind of hate it right now. There's so much I want to say, so much I need to say but the heart is too tender and too wounded at the moment to say anything.

It was good to see Abby this weekend. My dear friend from PLU came down Saturday evening to visit and left last night. It was so good to see her, I miss my friends terribly right now, but so very hard when she left. I found myself in tears as I hugged her and restless for the remainder of the evening.

I think things will be looking up, though. Today is my Spanish final, Wednesday is one more voice lesson and then I am done with the quarter. On Friday I am going up to the UW for advising, registration and an orientation of sorts. I have no idea how I'm getting there- my car is dead, my mother's van is dead, Nathan's truck... just NO, and I can't drive a stick so my dad's Honda is out. I guess I'll just hop the whole way there since I can barely walk on my foot. After that comes a hard day that will be spent in weeping and nothing else. But after that comes a joyous day spent singing and gallivanting with the fam. Things will be looking up. I just have to set my sights higher than the deeds of the day. Oh hey Jesus, what are you doing up there?

it's time for the nervous tic motion of the head to the left

2009-12-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

I have to be honest, I'm having a hard time. I am not good enough to survive in any music program let alone a program as praised as the UW's. I can't sight read on any level, my piano skills are sub SUB par and I apparentally have forgotten everything I learned in my theory class. I have very high standards for what I want to achieve, where I know I should be, but it's hard. And that's good on some level because when I do master a song on piano, or correctly identify a bass line, or sing a high C, I feel really good about what I have done. But that's not what I mean when I say it's hard. I just finished learning about the past giants in jazz. They were all so creative, so individualized, so brilliant that their names are burned into music. I can't achieve that. I spent a year being the least talented person in a huge group of people at a university known for it's music program. I spent five years standing in the shadow of an incredible bass player.... I mean even my own father can play piano better than me. I spent $40,000 last year and got nothing. I can't do it. No matter how hard I work, I will fail and that's really screwing me up today. It's like an elephant is sitting on my chest. And I miss my friends. I really need to see them. And I don't want to leave my mom again. I really like my mom. I'm just sad.

Klutz

2009-12-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

Sam, the handy man, is building a curb outside in the parking lot. Tomorrow he is pouring concrete so today he was nailing steel re bar (did I say that right?) into the ground. Since I was off at 1pm, he asked me if I wanted to hammer them in. Um, DUH. I started hammering on the wrong side of the wood though; my hands were too close to it and I missed. My finger got smacked on the wood and, immediately, my finger started swelling up. I managed to hammer four more before my hands quit. I handed the giant hammer over to Sam and went back into my office to stock up for tomorrow. I went to my desk and opened the top cupboard. I needed my knife to cut open a box of ink cartridges, paper, and sealant (oh, my!). The box was farther away on a table in a corner. I unloaded it and began putting the things away. I went to throw away the packing material in my garbage can under my desk. I wasn't watching were I was walking and I smacked my forehead right into the open cupboard door. I bit my tongue, swooned, and caught myself. After a few seconds of nausea, I pulled out my hand mirror to assess the damage. I was bleeding. A large green bump was appearing in the middle of my forehead along with an open wound and several drops of blood. It stopped bleeding rather promptly after I applied pressure.
Now, my finger is swollen, green, purple and red. It hurts to use it. My head was doing OK until Jazz class, around 5. It started throbbing a bit but the bump hasn't gotten any bigger.
I'm so very talented.

This Morning....

2009-11-30T08:06:00.000-08:00

"I've got all these thoughts just buzzing through my brain. They bump and they collide and cause a flurry of confusion and it's getting on my nerves. I try to hold myself together fighting of this mental weather when I can."-MCS

Top 5:
1. GRRR boys.
2. How do I write a blog about Thanksgiving without bothering ALL my family members?
3. Why are people shooting other people? It's not like you wake up, go to get some coffee thinking, I might die right now. I hate that.
4. Where is all the free money hiding? I need it. Please give it to me so I can go to the UW.
5. Too much to do, not enough time!!!

I need to go out to the cabin, build a fire and curl up on the floor in a little ball.

2009-11-24T23:18:00.001-08:00

Does any one know when it stops feeling like you're repeatedly pouring acid on an open wound?

Any one?

You in the back?

No?

Great.

I have an announcement.

2009-11-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

We get the mail.
There, amongst the bills and magazines, were two yellow and purple envelopes.
Guess what was inside them?

"Dear Molly,
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have received admissions to the University of Washington."

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FRAK YEAH!!!
I was so excited I dropped my phone in the toilet. I had taken it out of my pocket to pee and then when I went to pick it up again, it slipped out of my hands and landed in the toilet.... so that's ruined.

BUT I'm in!!!!! Oh my gosh. I've got to figure out if I'm still going to go or not.

As you can see...

2009-11-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

I've done a fantastic job at keeping up with Blog-Every-Day month.

I don't know, I've been busy I guess. Surprisingly, I've had nothing to say. The things I do want to write about require a bit more research.

So the recent things in my life are:
-a dead car
-a weird swollen thing in my neck

A dead car:
On Saturday I was driving up to Seattle to go to a gig at Jazz Alley. It was raining too hard and my car kept hydroplaning so I ditched the plan somewhere around Dupont. I was just outside of Olympia on the way home when the oil light popped on and my car began quickly decellerating. So I pulled over to the side of the road and my car died. I tried to restart sad little Ted but there was a terrible non-responsive noise coming from the engine. My dad came to save me and spent most of the car ride home making me panic about having to buy a new car. That money is coming from where? Santa? Awesome.

A weird swollen thing in my neck:
I honestly don't think it's my gland... The pain is external, if you will. I don't have a sore throat or a fever and I only feel like puking if I push on the little thing. But there is a swollen little mass of something in my neck. It hurts so we know it's not cancer. It's not a goiter because I don't have a thyroid problem. All of my genius friends are coming up with brilliant things. My friend Kimmi says it's because I've been singing as high as I sing in this horribly cold weather. My friend Liam is like a freaking doctor and has been throwing out all these insightful little things. This is day two of noticing it so maybe it'll go away.

tid bits

2009-11-10T22:56:00.000-08:00

Monday:
-wore a cute outfit to work, my favorite black pumps were involved.
-went to the Post Office to get all the PUD's mail from the weekend.... the drawer was SO FULL.
-had taken my car instead of walking since it was raining and I was wearing my favorite black pumps
-filled up both HUGE bags till over flowing with mail
-man standing behind me says, "I am just waiting to get to my box. I don't want you to think I'm being creepy." I laughed.
-I attempt to pick up both bags. I fail. He laughs at me and says, "Would you like some help? You're wearing heels."
-Again, laughter, and I accepted his gentlemanly offer. He carried the heavy bag out to my car and ever so nicely introduced himself, Tony.
-Due to his gentlemanly display, my faith in MAN kind was restored.
-No voice lesson. WOOT.
-Delicious dinner
-A long conversation with a wonderful friend.
-Smiled as I curled up to sleep.

Tuesday
-Alarm clock went off too early. Must kill early.
-Went to Post Office to get PUD's mail and who do I see, but good ole Tony! He greeted me warmly and wished me a good day.
-Work: GAH. Machine Malfunction day.
-Drove to Lacey for piano lesson. Got gas. Drove home.
-Went to Jazz History, met the professor for the first time (he teaches via satellite from Poulsbo)
-Drove to Olympia to go swing dancing with an old friend.
-He didn't show.... cause he was lost.
-He likes to spin me. My head hurt, and I think I was momentarily blinded.
-Drove home. Noticed the gas gauge was on empty but it often lies
-Mileage was fine, conceded I would make it home.
-FAIL. Car fails right before first Shelton exit. I pulled over, turned it off, revved it, and it snapped back into gear.
-Made it a little farther. FAIL. I pulled over, turned it off, revved it, and it again snapped back into gear.
-Made it down the exit towards my house, I am revving it, planning on blowing a stop sign, when it dies. I coast to the shoulder, turn it off, and try to rev it. Nothing. Try again. Nothing. AND OF COURSE, my cell phone decides to die at that moment.
-Only option: run to Stanley's house-a co-worker who happens to live right down the street from me.
-He's awake!! And he generously offers me a ride home. God Bless Stanley.
-Parents are mad because I'm a moron who miscalculated gas mileage
-Must sleep now. Dancing and stressing making one sleepy.

I wrote this a LONG time ago and have no independant thought at the moment....

2009-11-08T22:26:00.000-08:00

I like to take walks.
My mother often won't let me.
She says I'll be killed by an axe murderer.
One can't blame her.
In the times of now,
When little girls are stolen right off the sidewalks
and "fathers" look for nanny's who will take care of 'their needs' too,
I could very well be killed by an axe murderer.

But it is such a lovely day.
One of those summer days where the weather wants more out of you than you want to give.
One of those days where potential is found in every corner but evades your fingertips with a vengeance.
One of those days you want to spend reading and dripping kisses on the lips of the one you love.

I like to take walks.
But too ease the mind of my marvelous mother,
I will sit inside, eating soy ice cream
and watching a movie about the love that is slipping away from me.

Hahahaha.... card

2009-11-06T08:30:00.000-08:00

A comedian is on KZOK. He asked what the birth ratio in Seattle is because it's always raining so what else would people doing. Apparentally, the rain affects how many serial killers we have and we have the lowest number of children in the nation except for San Francisco. So all we do is kill people and do drugs but we're very educated because we read a lot. I love living here. :)

Oh Geez (a rant in two parts)

2009-11-05T21:31:00.000-08:00

Part 1.
First, the exciting news. It appears that my little brother has found a lady friend. Now, I have no real details about her. Nathan is not really one for details, he's a boy. All we know is that she is little, blond, and named Diette. He told my mother that he wanted the 'ok' so he could officially ask her out. This is very exciting and VERY weird. My little brother likes a girl... in my mind, he's still 12, making forts in the woods. Hell, I'm still 12 making forts in the woods. I'm happy and I want to meet her. We will eat lasagna; it is the traditional meet-the-fam meal. We had it when Emma brought Eric Hill home, when she brought Michael home, when I brought Martin home, and now we will have it when Diette comes. Hopefully it will bring good luck. :)

Part 2.
I am not going to get married just to spite all of my family. Healthy, huh? They're all freaking out about everything male that walks by. I could marry that guy... or that guy over there... or see that guy over there? Yeah he's definitely a contender because... you know... he has a heart beat. I'm going swing dancing with a bunch of friends and my friend Gabe is coming: so everyone freaks out. I'm in a bible study with Emily and two other guys: so everyone freaks out. The brother of a family friend is available, he lives in spokane and I've never met him: so everyone freaks out. I'm walking out the door to go to class and my father says, "There could be someone in your Spanish class." So now I am freaking out. Seriously, I know that all the girls found their man and married him as fast as they possibly could but that plan failed for me, ok? God apparentally wants me alone. Awesome. Get me some cats and leave me be.

This has been my day....

2009-11-04T22:11:00.000-08:00

Some days aren't yours at all.
They come and go as though they're someone elses days,
They come and leave you behind with someone elses face,
and it's harshes than yours
and it's colder than yours

They come in so quiet, sweep up and then they leave
and you don't hear a single floorboard creak
They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep
by your side

Don't Call
Don't Call
I won't hear you

I'm in love with your daughter
I wanna have her baby
I'm in love with your daughter
So can I... please....

Don't Call
Don't Call
I won't hear
Not any more
I've gone away
Don't call me, don't write
I've gone away
Don't call me, don't write
Don't call me
Don't call me
Don't call me
Don't write
Don't write
Don't write
Don't write

Somedays aren't yours at all
They come and go as though they're someone elses days
They come and leave you behind with someone elses face
and it's harsher than yours
and it's colder than yours

-Regina Spektor

I have so many songs....

2009-11-03T22:42:00.000-08:00

"You can't do jazz if you don't do heroin."

Or so say the musicians of the be-bop era. They were all strung out on something. Coupled with this were all the psychological issues. Maniac depressive, schizophrenia, suicidal,

bi-polar, and ADD. Some of the greatest musicians of all time were just plum crazy.

I understand this. Although I have not been diagnosed, I know myself, and it is a mess inside my head. To quote Motion City Soundtrack, "I've got all these thoughts just floating through my brain. They bump and they collide and cause a flurry of confusion and it's getting on my nerves. I try to hold myself together, fighting off this mental weather when I can."

The confusion within can come out in incredible forms. Charlie Parker, for example, was a brilliant saxophone player, the Godfather of be-bop and he changed jazz forever. But that same creative confusion can be strangled. Add drugs and alcohol to unstable person, and they wind up dead at 34.

I also understand why so many musicians do drugs. Drugs promise relief and enlightenment: Relief from the constant music in our heads and enlightenment; a chance to find more creativity, more sounds to share with the earth. For a musician, what could be more enticing than that? The only problem is that drugs lie. The relief wears off and takes whatever new sounds you heard with it. You are left crumpled in a dark alley searching the ground for the notes like a kid scanning the floor for his dropped contact lense. That is why they go back for more. Relief from the same jazz chords and another chance to hear the symphony of dying neurons and murdered potential. I can tell you right now, if I hadn't been born to the parents I have, I would be doing all drugs, pregnant and homeless, wasting my explosive creativity on acid trips and starvation. Luckily, God had a better plan. There is so much left to hear, so much to experience and so many songs to be shared. Drugs? Are you kidding? I intend to outlive Charlie Parker in both lifespan and talent.

Nah, just lifespan. :)

It's Blog-Every-Day Month

2009-11-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

Dearest Spine,

I'm very sorry for all the pressure you have been under today.

No wonder you have begun screaming. I have just realized how much I stood today. There were the 5 hours at work, running up and down the stairs, standing in front of a badly behaving machine, bending over to pick up trays full of letters. Then, a half hour at voice lessons where perfect posture is everything. You aren't used to making me quite that elongated. It is a stretch for you- and then there were the hours at the piano. The leaning in to decipher each note in the chord, again trying to elongate your friends, the arms and their cousins, the fingers. You just ache. Because of all your hard work today, I think I will reward you with a hot shower and a cuddling up in bed. No more work to be done to day. Only craftiness.

I'm making this. It's a bag made out of old magazines. The idea is one of many clever things in a magazine called Green Craft Magazine. It is absolutely brilliant and I think a lot of you would get really into it.

Today: a story in pictures.

2009-11-01T22:28:00.001-08:00

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." - George Eliot

DO NOT turn a blind eye. DO NOT be passive.

2009-10-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

"It is important that we recognize that the demand for sex with minors is a very strong driving force behind this global problem, and therefore needs to be addressed urgently. And to deny, to turn a blind eye, or to passively observe, is a contribution to the continuous contemporary slave trade that is manifested by trafficking of human beings."- Queen Silvia of Sweden.

http://love146.blogspot.com/2009/10/what-if-2-adult-white-males-were.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IJiWCHpFRs

A little nonsense

2009-10-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. Her name was Molly. She was born to Cynthia Dianne Davis Swanson and William George Swanson. She was the second daughter born to this couple and would end up being the middle child, her brother to arrive a year later. She grew up living out in the Elma country in a little community called Star Lake. The home she lived in had been built by her father, grandfather, and uncles when they were much younger. There was always projects going on. The dirt always full of bent unused nails, piles and piles of 2 by 4's. The basement pantry was stocked with canned beans, beets, cherries, and pears. The other corner of the pantry: finished pottery made by her father ready to be sold. She grew up climbing trees, scraping her arms and legs, making mud pies (complete with huckleberries and salal leaves) and forts with her brother and sister. There was the glorious 'dirt hill' which was literally a giant hill of dirt. But it was big. Climbing up it made one feel victorious. Little Molly would stand on top of it, letting the wind rush through her gnarled mess of blond curls while looking out over a vast valley of houses, trees, and mountains. Her childhood was perfection. Endless litters of kittens running through her house, Honeybear-the best dog EVER, caring, although ridiculous, parents, lots of folk music and dancing. I'm not sure when it happened but unfortunately, she grew up and turned into a boring old adult, holding down a job, going to school only because she's supposed to, never finishing all of her laundry, and worrying about money. But last night, something exciting happened. She remembered the thrill of her childhood heart. She carved a pumpkin, covered it in leaves instead of a fright face. It was bliss and she went to bed smiling.

I will not be your drug liason

2009-10-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

My frustration with mankind has reached its limit.

I have decided to bomb the world.