Again, you will notice it is around the 1 o'clock hour. I finished my Wednesday night work shift an hour ago, came home to fold laundry and eat Top Ramen while determined to work on homework even if I was exhausted.
You see, I've been up since 6:30am. That's 17 and 1/2 hours. I've been going non-stop since then and I'm feeling the affects of the day. After maybe three minutes of homework I realized I would not be productive, I was too exhausted. So I planned to eat my Top Ramen, read my bible, read a chapter in Captivating and go to sleep. As I sat eating my Top Ramen, I felt guilty for sleeping. I felt guilty for contemplating reading my bible before going to sleep instead of reading biology, I felt guilty for wanting to read a chapter in my Captivating book...
I felt guilty for resting.
I thought, "That's weird, not healthy, and wrong. Go deeper, figure that one out."
So I thought about it:
There is a difference between productivity and frantic busyness. I cannot be truly productive right now because I am tired and my body wants to refresh itself after the busy day I had. Rest is from the Lord. There is a difference between rest and laziness. I should not feel guilty because my body is designed to sleep. What is SO important that I must deprive myself of healthy rest?
And then it hit me. Woah. Epiphany.
School, specifically homework, has become an idol.
As Pastor Mark often says, an idol is usually a good thing that you've made into a God thing. An idol is what you spend the most amount of time on, invest in, look to for validation, worship with your time, talent, and money, and fight for even when you know it will not satisfy.
THAT explains the guilt. Guilt is not from the Lord, conviction is. Guilt is from Satan. Satan wants to steal, kill, and destroy me because he hates me. He wants me to run myself thin, become scary dehydrated again, miss school and then feel so guilty for failing my professors by not showing up to class or not getting a 4.0 (My mindset has always been, if a 4.0 is attainable, I must be able to reach it. If I can't, I have failed. This is, of course, crazy but I'm not satisfied unless it's a 4.0. Anything else makes me beat myself up about how stupid I am, how lazy I am, how much I could have done better, how much time I wasted sleeping...).
Realizing this makes a lot of other things make sense. Many of them I will keep to myself but one thing it affects is my attitude towards my schoolwork- I resent it because it's difficult and I resent myself because I'm not Rory Gilmore. Realizing that school is an idol means that I look to my grades, my degree as something to validate me, define me, and give me worth.... which it can't do... OH how my frustrations make sense now.
If only I had realized this in September. :) Thank you, Lord.
Pray for me.
Now, go to bed, young lady!