Things I WILL do in 2010

1. Make the journey up to Canada to Sara's house.

2. Take a road trip during the summer down to California.

3. Sharpen up my piano playing skills.

4. Get back to college- either UW or PLU... and maybe Reed in Portland, known for its debauchery.

5. Try to pick up the mandolin.

6. Start a band with Kristen Farrell!!!
7. Perform somewhere.

8. *If I move to Seattle* Dread my hair. (stop freaking out, it's not your hair.)

I'm so frustrated.

I don't measure up when it comes to other women...
Like the beautiful, smart ones.

I wish women didn't have to try so hard. I wish we didn't have to compete with each other. I know I don't need to... that some guy will actually love me even though I'm too short, ugly, and stupid.

But all the same. I'm feeling pretty frakking lousy right now.

1990-2010

Today is my 20th birthday.

To quote my best friend, "I'm in denial." It's weird being 20. I won't feel that my age has changed until three months from now when I look back on the last three months and see how I've grown. That is when I will feel 20.

It was a good birthday. Not the best day I've had but there was a good deal of love and strangely Facebook played a big part in that. Earlier, I was having a meltdown. It was partly because I was nervous about school, I always get nervous about school, but it was also just low self-esteem and emotional crap. But I got on facebook at the end of the day and 52 people had written Happy Birthday to me. 52. That blew my mind. Some were people I would never expect to care but there it was, on my wall, "Happy Birthday!". 52 times. My family came together to love me and celebrate with a good meal and some laughter. I am blessed and I am happy.

20 years old today. Let's face it, that's just weird.

Oh The Joy.

God Bless Gabriel Shea Tippery.

I was having a really hard time with the fact that I had no where to go on New Years Eve. I actually tried to find a friend and since I don't have a car, it was becoming increasingly difficult to find anywhere to go. By 8pm this evening I was in tears, facing the fact that I would spend News Years alone while everyone else partied with their friends and while someone else would spent their night with Martin. I decided it was time to be rude. I invited myself over to someone's house. He was gracious and excited for me to come over and I was grateful but the tears didn't stop, in fact they came faster. That was when the text message came, "How's your Friday?". Gabe has been trying for a week to come over to my house but all kinds of things have kept him away. I opened my phone and called him the moment I got the text message... I was just blubbering. We ended up talking for an hour and 20 minutes about everything: school, Jesus, theology, my hatred of rice, his family, Love 146, him being a doctor.... he made me laugh and I feel so much better after talking to him. And! He will be here on Friday. I don't know what we're going to do but it will be SO nice to talk to someone who actually cares about me (I've been noticing lately that people do not care. I am guilty of it too but it so horrible the way we pretend to care about people but we talk behind their backs or we just ask them how they are to be polite without being truly empathetic. The worst is when we lie to make some one care... That happened to me recently. I was lied to so I would care and then kicked to the side. It's just horrible.).

And all of you who want to freak out about this, Gabe is a friend. Capice? :)

I'm crabby because the SPSCC lady called and woke me up.

Since I was little I have loved New Years Eve. I've always thought it should involve a HUGE party but I've never been able to find one I fit into. When I was younger it was too hard to do anything because we lived all the way out in Elma. When I was almost a teenager, I had to follow my parents wherever they went which was usually to someones house where the kids were either Nathan's age or Emma's age or way older and they didn't want an 8-year-old around. In high school, most new years were spent at Sara's house. Just her family and I for a bit and then me having to leave before midnight because my parents didn't want me on the road while all the drunk people were out. Last year may have been the only year I went to a party on new years but it was with Martin and they were his friends. I still felt like I was just there because I had no where else to go. I wasn't really part of the group and no one would miss me if I wasn't there. Which brings us to this year. I am pretty sure this year will again be spent with me sitting on the hearth by myself in the living room watching the fireworks on tv and going to bed at 12:15. Happy New Year. I hope you have a party to go to.

Christmas

My family is a crazy lot.
There was, of course, the glorious food made by Nana. Every year she apologizes for something. This year it was the ham which was, of course, delicious. Silly Nana, you are the Queen!!! For some reason I felt like being smart about what I ate- I took small portions, switched the apple cider with hot water (let's face it: I have the digestive system of 85 year old), and only had two meringue and lemon curd treats. I escaped the holiday without any bloating or vomiting- a rarity for me even in daily life. That alone made the holiday great. :) There was Emily and I 'playing' Christmas carols on the piano. She plays the treble clef and I play the bass and we butcher the ENTIRE song and everyone starts yelling at us to stop. But possibly the best part was my father bringing his chimes to my grandparents house and the eight of us all trying to figure out how to play a hymn. My Truck is the funniest old man. "Now hold on here a minute..." he would say before trying to figure out what he was supposed to do. We butchered the last line almost every time but our final run was beautiful with Nathan adding in an impromptu high G and sending us all in to hysterics. It was a good holiday and now I must un-load and re-load the dishwasher and eat the bag of spearmint leaves my grandpa gave me. I won't eat them the way he taught me, though, I'm much too impatient for that!

Don't read this if you're depressed cause it'll just make you feel worse.

Whenever we go to see the niece and nephew, my father's ex-wife is there. She is a dear sweet woman and over the years, I, along with my siblings and mother, have formed a pretty good relationship with her. I always knew in the back of my head that my father had been married to her but I never really thought about it. He loved my mom now. He was married to her now and everything else was in the past.

I've just recently stopped loving my one and only ex-boyfriend. I can tell you exactly when it died. I never thought that was possible. I loved him with such strength, such hope, that I knew nothing could break it. We WOULD be together. Even when we broke up I was positive it wasn't the end. Then things started changing as they always do. Slowly and horribly, every last shred of love I had for him was cut.

The last time I saw my father's ex-wife was November twenty something. My love for my ex was gone at this point and for the first time, I looked at her and felt like weeping.

It is horrible when love dies. When something that was so strong and so beautiful is ripped apart by the same two people who once put it together. Now, I am thankful my father did not stay with his first wife otherwise... I wouldn't be typing right now. Otherwise my father would not have been broken only to be put back together by the grace of God. But looking at my father's first wife and sitting in pain next to her, I began to ache for love again. I wanted it back but I knew it was so completely murdered. I didn't want the same story my dad and this sweet women had had.

Those of you who have love, don't kill it. Pray for it every moment to be protected by Christ. It is SO true, "What God puts together, let no man seperate." When He is the foundation, it will survive and your heart will remain in one piece.